In the interest of expedience, we’re going to bear all and let the bird out of the bag early. Banjo Kazooie Nuts & Bolts is a trap. You’ll catch the very first whiff of danger when the game is loading and the second ‘handy hint’ cheerfully proclaims: ‘don’t like the vehicle-based gameplay? Perhaps you should buy the original Banjo Kazooie on XBLA!”. Oookay then. That’s a very useful - yet disturbingly self deprecating - tip, but by the time most of us read it we'll be seventy bucks lighter.
In a scheme that’d make Wile E. Coyote (genius) proud, ‘the suits’ have decided to promote Nuts & Bolts with material that is very reminiscent of the original N64 platformer - but in actuality, this is just a cunning ruse to ensnare starry eyed, nostalgiaholics like you - like us. We wouldn’t be surprised if the big blueprint in the marketing department read as follows: step 1: lure in roadrunners with old school boxshot and infectious, yet largely uninformative teaser trailers. Step 2: get victim(s) to upend contents of wallet onto pressure pad and nibble at bird seed. Step 3: money disappears, door snaps shut behind victim. Familiar cardboard cut-outs of Banjo, Kazooie and Spiral Mountain fall over flat. Substitute classic platforming gameplay with shitty magic wrench and a Meccano set.
That’s the diabolical ten-four, campers. Any hardcore fans going into this game with hopes of running around, double jumping, fast trotting on Kazooie’s legs, beak slamming, or pooping eggs – will play half an hours worth, eject the disc, curl up into the fetal position and cry themselves to sleep. Because beyond the note collecting, the familiar jigsaw acquiring fetishes, and the (now depressingly memorable) xylophone strains of ‘Teddy Bear’s Picnic’ – Kameo is more of a Banjo Kazooie game than this is. What’s more insulting, is the game rubs this in your face at the start. The title screen and first area will make you clap your hands with joy as Banjo meanders through the starting area of the first N64 game, but then you’re unceremoniously whisked away from this place by ‘the Lord of Games’ a flying jerk who hangs out on the loading screens and has a (completely un-interactive) Pong screen for a face.
This annoying bastard quickly dumps you into the new hub world of Nuts & Bolts, Showdown Town, and the game then proceeds to bombard your confused brain with a university semester full of tutorials on how to build cars out of junk, and how to levitate stuff with your new magic wrench. What the hell? On a curious side note: one of these tutorials explains the virtue of adding a floatation device to your water-based vehicles. Why should you do that? To ensure – and we’re quoting here – “that they don’t sink, like this game at retail”. Refreshingly honest. If anybody’s ‘dodgy game’ alarm bell isn’t ringing at this point, you’re a mindless soccer mum waiting to happen.