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Top 8: Classic Nintendo Characters I Want To Brutally Murder

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If you ask anyone what the best console is of all time, they are likely to give one of two answers: Nintendo 64 or PlayStation 2 (if they say anything else, they didn’t have a childhood). Now PlayStation 2 is obviously the longer lasting of the two, with games still on the shelves today.

But if you ask me, Nintendo is much more iconic. I mean, some of those games are still some of my favourite titles of all time. But equally, some of those games haunt me to this very day. Because if there is one thing that Nintendo can do well, it’s create characters that you wish you could maim and destroy in real life.

And so I’ve put a little list together, of the top 8 Nintendo characters that I would relentlessly torture to death if given half the chance:

8. Anakin Skywalker – Star Wars Episode One: Racer

Ah Pod Racer, totally one of my favourite games from N64. I would spend hours just racing away, customising my car parts and airbreak-flying through the courses.

And of course this meant one thing: hours listening to Anakin “It’s working, IT’S WORKING!” Skywalker.

I mean, this kid just wouldn’t shut up. Whether he was screaming when one of the engines broke off and I drove him into the wall (what a little bitch) or just yelling in success or failure – his girlish cries were a gamebreaking experience on more than one occasion.

And what’s more, they reminded me of the Phantom Menace every time – something I totally didn’t want to happen from a game that was based off of the movie.

I mean, ok, the kid builds a good Pod. But does he have to be so damn cocky about it?

My money was always on Sebulba.

In fact, if given the chance, I would totally gang bash this kid with various Pod Racer parts (like that expensive as hell engine that would appear once in the store and then vanish even if you didn’t buy it, leaving you wondering – what if?) with Sebulba and a couple of his cronies.

Then we could put his broken body into his Pod Racer and gently float it off into the sea, with a flaming arrow igniting it once it was offshore.

It’s what he would have wanted.

7. The Commentator – Pokémon Stadium

I think it’s safe to say everyone hated this guy.

Not only did he say the most bland, generic stuff (“It’s a hit!”, “They are staring each other down” “Ohhh its down!!”, “The champions of tomorrow have begun their super hot battle!”) but he would always interject it at the worst times. Like right when I am about to pick my move suddenly I hear this “they are staring each other down!”.

How is that helping? Can’t the crowd tell the Pokémon are looking at each other? I mean, they are right there in the stadium right? The game is called Pokémon Stadium afterall!

And if you missed or your opponent got a critical hit, not to mention if you picked the wrong move, the urge to throttle this guy kicked in like crazy. Nobody likes a know-it all, and the next time someone says “Ooh… It’s not very effective” I’m going to try my Punch Face attack.

If I had the chance I would shove this guys microphone down his throat and then dance around him screaming “IT’S SUPER EFFECTIVE! IT’S SUPEREFFECTIVE!” until he suffocated. Then we will see who is the better Pokémon trainer (somehow?).

6. Toad – Mario Party

There are plenty of reasons to hate this guy, starting with his whole pretentious “let me show you around Mario Party” shtick. Like he is so awesome, he’s not even a playable character! And it just gets worse from there.

He’s always letting Bowser move him around the map or switch places with him, just look at Yoshi’s Island or Mario’s Rainbow Castle. This guy needs grow some damn balls already, I mean if he would just man up then I would be buying a Star every time I went around the board instead of buying a fake Star or a canon ride or an anal-fisting from Bowser instead.

I mean seriously, if this guy is on our team – why doesn’t he just move the Star right next to the starting block? Or like, just give us the Star for free? IF HE IS OUR FRIEND WHY IS HE CHARGING US OUR PRECIOUS COINS?! I’ll tell you why: because this guy is an asshole. He acts all nice and then does everything he can to make it impossible for you to get your fix.

Toad, if I had the chance I would pay 20 coins, take the Star and then stab you repeatedly in the head with it. After that, I would collect my coins and be on my way.

And, being a fungus, you probably wouldn’t even bleed. You’d just release spores or something, because you are weak and spineless due to not having any bones and thus no spine.

Come at me bro.

5. The Jumping Blocks – Conker’s Bad Fur Day

Anyone remember these guys?

It was in the Barn Boys chapter right at the beginning. You, cast as a happy-go-lucky squirrel with everything to prove, had just entered the zone and proceeded to walk up the ramp on your left.

But you can’t. Because the way is blocked. By two asshole squares of stainless steel, that for some reason enjoy jumping up and down repeatedly for the same stretch of very thin path – until the end of time.

And if you fuck up running under them, you dead. Smooshed. Crushed.

But at least they are still smiling, so they probably didn’t mean it right? Which is a great relief to you, being dead and all.

And the worst part? These guys stay here for the whole game. It’s not like you finish the chapter and they suddenly go “hmm, maybe we should stop dicking around here and getting in peoples way and go make something of our lives”. Nope, instead they just hop on – probably to crush a mother with a pram who just needed to get up the hill for some cheese.

If I had the chance I would turn these guys sideways and then concrete their bottom ends to each other (not as Human Caterpillar as it sounds). That way, they can no longer jump – and hopefully they would have to stay facedown as well.

In fact, let’s say we build a new skyscraper with these guys as the foundation blocks. Because if there is one thing better than brutally murdering someone – it’s entombing them until the end of time.

Let’s see you jump your way out of this one. Assholes.

4. Gary Oak – Pokémon Red and Blue

This one is a no-brainer.

Gary Oak takes every chance he can get to rub in his face how much more of a dick he is than you, he won’t give you his map, he faints your Bulbasaur (admittedly so does a level 2 Weedle, but let’s not go there) and he’s always in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Gary Oak strikes me as some kind of Pokémon stalker, who just waits until your main Pokémon has fainted or you have beaten 10 trainers in a row and are out of potions – when suddenly he springs out of the bushes to rape battle you.

He even does it right in front of Pokémon Centers. Because I obviously wasn’t going to the Pokémon center to heal my weakened Pokémon, and it's not like the Pokémon center is where you save your progress to your current town – so that if you lose you go back to the last town!!

Seriously, grade-A  a-hole material right there. He even beats you to becoming Champion, even though this results in Professor Oak telling him how disappointed he is that Gary lost before Oak could get there.

My life peaked at that moment.

If I had the chance I would go back and when Oak asks “which Pokémon do you pick?” I would say “I’LL TAKE THEM ALL” and then immediately sick them onto Gary. Between the three of them they could probably make quick work of him, the long grass is dangerous after all.

And then they would feed. Let’s not forget, they ARE monsters.

3. Jinjo – Banjo Kazooie

These guys were the worst.

I’m not a big fan of collectibles to begin with, they kind of annoy me and I have little patience for them. But collectibles that, realistically, could just get up and walk away? Now I’m angry.

I mean, these guys sit around at the bottom of the ocean or the top of a mountain – perfectly happy to just chill in dangerous locations surrounded by bad guys. But then as soon as Banjo rocks up they are all “omg help us, we are lost and junk, we will give you a jigsaw piece if you find us all”.

I mean, they know we need those jigsaw pieces to rescue Banjo’s sister – and yet they hold out on us.

That’s called Black Mail you dicks.

You guys have legs you know, you even have a damn beak. In fact you kind of look like a cross between a bear and a bir… I don’t like where this is going. I preferred Banjo Kazooie when the relationship between Banjo and Kazooie was a mystery.

Seriously if I had the chance I would collect all these guys and then send them back to their village piece by piece. Only for every piece I sent, I would hide one around the world.

You know why? Because body parts can’t move on their own. They need to be collected. Unlike entire bodies which are totally fucking free to move around as needed. And they would be quick to learn this lesson with me teaching.



2. Slippy – Starfox 64

Pointless character number #1879760 in the series of Nintendo games made to date, Slippy takes priority as one of the most annoying.

Maybe it’s because he never shuts up. Maybe it’s because he is constantly asking for help, like he is handicapped or something. Maybe it’s because he sounds like Justin Bieber. I don’t know, I’m not a doctor.

But this guy seriously makes me doubt the intellectual capabilities of Star Fox. Like, does he really need people around him all the time telling him how to do the simplest of activites? I think we know how to fire lasers jerk, there’s a massive tooltip on the screen telling me how.

At least Peppy tells me to do a barrel roll. I mean, that’s like gaming history right there.

But what do you tell me Slippy? YOU TELL ME NOTHING. YOU ARE NOTHING TO ME BUT A FLY BUZZING IN MY EAR. Which is ironic, because frogs (which you supposedly are and yet sound/act nothing like) eat flies.

If I had the chance I would tie this guy up and then attach him to one of Starfox’s laser turrets. That way I could yell “Fire Lasers!” and see him splat all over some robots visor.

Then I would blow up the robot. Just in case.

1. Navi – Ocarina of Time

And here we are again. This one is a no brainer and I doubt I have to explain it.

But I will.

First up, Navi is straight-up bitch to you for no reason right from the start. I don’t know if she is pissed being assigned to a human or whatever – but she has attitude, and I don’t like it. She never says please or thank you, never congratulates you on anything and instead just flies around your head being as annoying as possible.

And, of course, she never shuts the fuck up. I mean, is it any wonder that Link never talks when his companion talks so much it makes me wonder if she has A.D.D? Like, someone should seriously check that out. Mild case of tourettes is a definite possibility.

Navi, if I had the chance, I would put you in a bottle and then install you as a permanent light fixture in that house in Kokiri forest that I never go back to. Then you and the cow could just spend all your days together wondering what cool shit I was doing.

Eventually I would mail you to Ganondorf with a note that said “Here, a fairy companion – I know you’ve always wanted one! Sincerely, you’re secret admirer”. I guarantee that within a week he would commit suicide and the rightful order would be restored to the world once again.

Hopefully he would kill Navi first, and the world will remember her (and celebrate her) for her sacrifice.

 

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3 Comments

  1. Fluffy

    Toad would fuck you up, keep training and maybe you will have chance

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  2. Fluffy

    As for the slippy comment, now i'm going to beat you up

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    • game

      I regret nothing.

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